100 Hilarious Chrissy Teigen Tweets We Honestly Need To Talk About More

When she didn’t know where John had gone:

When she dreamt of a world where she was good at Photoshop:

And then a month later when she tried to learn those Photoshop skills:

When she was bored and drinking:

When she thought about her past:

When she was personally victimized by Pokémon:

Ok well this is already mean

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was honest about pasta:

When she was honest about pasta:

When her Macbook wouldn’t chill:

Hate this macbook relationship. “When do you want to update?” “Later” “later today or later tomorrow?” Oh my god just fucking LATER

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had a backup plan:

I always have a note in my pocket that says “john did it” just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry #truelove #tips

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she found a way around dumb rules:

making mom talk like a baby in the background of my room service call because it’s illegal for adults to order off the kids menu

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she called John out on Twitter for using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser in the shower:

i found a mr clean magic eraser in the shower next to the loofah. do i…

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she shared some relationship advice:

I think a good rule of thumb is to never play “fuck/marry/kill” between other couples you are currently sitting with.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she didn’t jump on the Apple Watch train:

iWill 100% make fun of your apple watch

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she talked about that time she tried to buy clothes at a mannequin store:

Remember that one time I went into a store because I liked a dress on the mannequin but it turned out to be a mannequin store

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she shared her taste in music:

I like hotline bling because it’s great and I don’t have to google what it’s about

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she gave us details about her anniversary dinner:

My favorite part about my anniversary dinner was the girl who came to our table who john used to bone and also the sea bass

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was honest as fuck about aging:

I’m at the age where I want to eat beef stew but then still go “be around cool people” after

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she considered hiring an intern:

Need an intern to help me block people for college credits or food

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she brought a very important issue to light:

chicken pot pies aren’t talked about enough

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she sent someone a blender:

When she sent someone a blender:

And then when she knew someone who could pay for tuition:

And then when she knew someone who could pay for tuition:

When Pizza Hut followed her on Twitter:

OH MY GOD 11:11 REALLY IS MAGICAL

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she just wanted to go to the damn Westminster Dog Show:

honestly upset i have not been invited to the westminster dog show especially with the amount of people who call me a dog daily on twitter

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was tired of seeing shit penises:

The penises people tweet me are always the worst penises

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she made sure John didn’t get too big of a head:

When she made sure John didn't get too big of a head:

When she read the comments on The Rock’s instagram:

My favorite thing is when people give @therock advice about his workouts on instagram as if it’s just not working for him

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she shared our thoughts about Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8:

I can’t decide if I’ve met jon gosselin or I dreamt I met jon gosselin or if I should admit i think about jon gosselin

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had dreams of a better world:

upsetting we live in a world where one cannot take molly and watch horses run in circles

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she decided to give up on showering:

The 30 seconds of cold skin and hair post-shower…not worth it to me anymore. I no longer wish to shower again.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was faced with a dilemma:

Shit room service just got here at the same time my sister is going into labor QUICK STEAK AND EGGS OR BABY?? BABY RIGHT??

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she just wanted to know if she won an award:

[email protected] @Bravotv please tell me if I won a Bravo award. It’s 12:30am here I’ll never make it to 4. I need to know if i should cancel my cable

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

And then when she found out that she didn’t:

Wow I just woke up to some horrible news, @Bravotv……[email protected] U MAY CANCEL OUR TELEVISION THANK YOU

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she summed up her friendships:

i’m in this weird endless pit with a certain group of friends where we keep sending each other flowers to thank each other for the flowers

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When John made her disable her new game:

My tamagotchi lasted one hour. John made me disable it

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she got very, very real about pregnancy:

no one told me i would be coming home in diapers too

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she “couldn’t find” her baby:

When she "couldn't find" her baby:

When she needed the human touch:

Sometimes I catch myself holding my nail lady’s hand back and realize the extent of my loneliness

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had questions about the male anatomy:

IS PEE STORED IN THE BALLS

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she wanted the world to get its priorities straight:

If u see more than one girl in an insta pic, I think it’s really important for u to say who is hotter. That’s a really important thing to do

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she admitted who she really was:

remember when that whole foods photo was going around everyone was like “who the fuck would buy a peeled orange” well the answer is me

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she wanted the recognition she deserves:

2 grammy noms for @johnlegend no one has congratulated me for being the inspiration behind “all of me” without me there is no all of me

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she proved that celebrities are just like us:

4:30am, eating a sausage mcmuffin and looking up the gestation period of animals

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she realized she could never be a spy:

I could go like…4 hours before I would excitedly tell someone I was a spy

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was honest about Twitter trolls:

I manually retweet the super-morons so they can’t delete and hope their employers will see. Sadly, not many have employers.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she shared her love of reality TV with us:

OJ american crime is over, but real housewives of new york begins tonight. when one door closes, another one opens and adderall falls out

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she pretended she was healthy:

Cucumber vodka makes you feel like you’re at a spa being healthy when u are really just being another fuckin drunk at a sad bar

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she talked about her bikini line:

I almost respect this rogue single bikini line hair so much for her resistance to the crowd that I don’t want to shave her

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she reached for the stars:

the only skill i am currently working on is getting a 5.0 uber rating and i am not fucking kidding

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she just wanted some tater tots:

Back at the airport. Waiting in a line 38 deep for tater tots. I am ashamed.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she poked fun at celebrities constantly fucking up on Twitter:

Think I’m just going to wake up every morning and switch my first tweets between “I was hacked” and “I’m sorry for my poor choice of words”

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had a message for Apple:

Do I look like the sort of person who needs the permanent stock market app, iPhone?

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she spoke the straight-up truth about iTunes:

“I hate the new iTunes i miss the old iTunes” is what I say when I download any new iTunes.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she said what we’re all thinking about whales:

Man. Whales are some majestic shit.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she told women to have a conversation with their vaginas:

ladies! look down and tell your vaginas that a bunch of old dudes are deciding what you can do with it right now yayyy big day for vaginas!

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she questioned Feb. 29:

so do we leap or hump today i’m confused.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was basically a college student:

I just ate beef jerky to cleanse my mouth of my stale breath. I am at home and have access to a toothbrush and toothpaste.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she got honest about what relationship goals actually are:

How is John taking off my jewelry “relationship goals” like your fuckin boyfriend won’t take your necklace off jfc leave him

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she threw shade at people with road rage:

I have anger issues and I’ve still never held my horn down for more than 2 seconds go to therapy psychos

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was all of us at Sephora:

i don’t even get what a bb cream is and now you’re telling me there is a cc

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had a bone to pick with airplane passengers:

I honestly couldn’t date someone that had the audacity to have a too-large carry on bag

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she channeled Martha Stewart:

I always forget about my white side so I candied my own pecans last night

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she realized this 100% true fact:

Has anyone even ever looked at the other people in their group photo?

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was too lazy to function:

lazy is moving your shorts crotch to the side to pee

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had fun with palindromes:

xanax. my favorite palindrome.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she left Johnny wanting more:

Ladies. #keepthemwantingmore

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she talked about revenge:

The best revenge really is being nice. OR MURDER.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she just let herself live her best life:

Fuck it I’m going in the onesie store

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she lol’d at instagram users:

I didn’t even know what new york looked like at night until Instagram. And airplane wings. And coffee foam.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she knew how to convince herself to get a drink:

Sometimes I think I just rant so I can say, “ugh, I need a drink”. Then I get to drink.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When her life goal was all of our life goals:

one of my life goals is to reset all my passwords and fucking WRITE THEM DOWN.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was seriously hungover:

Threw up in the cab into a bag of cool ranch doritos. This hangover is no joke. Also I’m pretty sad about my doritos.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she knew how cyclists think:

Admit it, cyclists. You don’t like anyone in the world but other cyclists.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had this funny thought:

It’s be funny if a trapped airport bird had to go through security and take its little bird shoes and coat off and remove its bird laptop

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she got mad at frozen foods:

Why the fuck do frozen foods assume your drunk ass knows the wattage of your microwave? My sober ass doesn’t even know.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she found a hidden treasure:

when bae thinks she found drugs in the ocean and all of a sudden she knows how to swim

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she breathed a sigh of relief:

I like it when my friends “like” my photos because then I know they aren’t mad at me for something.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was really sorry about her feet:

I’m so confused and I’m sorry I am not the foot size you want and need

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was just as paranoid as all of us:

Rental houses make me nervous because I’m scared the owners put in cameras because I know I would totally put in cameras

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she suffered from the same ailment many of us also suffer from:

I have some kind of disease where I look ridiculous in shit most other people look cool in

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When her dog was disappointed in her:

Do you ever feel like your dog is disappointed in you

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she wished this for Natalie Portman:

ugh natalie portman is so pretty i wish she ate animals

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was sad about her heritage:

sometimes i get legit upset that i’m not italian

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When her pants were tight:

Oh fucking god I can’t fit my pants and I’m not even wearing at them I can just look at them and know

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she wanted Buffalo Wild Wings before lunch:

What’s the earliest anyone has had Buffalo Wild Wings

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she said what we’re all thinking:

FUCK TURKEY!

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

And then when she shared another Thanksgiving opinion:

If you talk shit on stove top I’ll block you

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she talked about a skill that’s rarely discussed:

I honestly respect reality show people for the sole fact they can do their interviews weeks later and speak as if it’s presently happening

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When her rotten avocados made her doubt herself:

When my avocados go bad I feel like I’ll never be a good mother and get noticeably distraught

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she had a connection with pie crust:

hour 2 of just staring at the pie crust ingredients

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she wanted to at least be thought of every once and a while:

Would never be a scientologist but offended to never have been asked

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was sick of emojis:

Can you mute emojis

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she tweeted at John:

@johnlegend sometimes i go to your page and get excited it says you follow me then i remember you married me im drunk

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she loved John for who he is:

one of the best and worst things about john is how well he thinks he knows Spanish

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she supported kickers:

I cannot stand seeing kickers miss. I feel so bad for them. I hope there is a special group of groupies for kickers who miss.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was stressed about the police:

i had a dream a policeman came into my apartment and gave me a field sobriety test and i failed and went to jail

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she suffered from boredom:

i am basically just refreshing websites until i fucking die i guess

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was nice to Bieber:

I had a dream I was giving Justin Bieber relationship advice and then pet him and said “everyone’s too hard on you, Justin”.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was cute and hip:

I call herpes “herps” because it’s cuter/more hip

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

When she was willing to make a trade:

I will sell everything below the television to the person that gets me past the shitfuck Mario world above it

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

And finally… ¯_(ツ)_/¯

so many writers no longer have to actually think to write articles. They just pull tweets and instagrams and call it a day.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen)

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